The Fail Threat

Sometimes tears come so easy, you don’t even have to really look for them at all. Sometimes, they even find you! Now, as a general rule of thumb, I avoid talking in local chat in Eve. Local tends to be a.) full of spam scammers, b.) full of epeen-waving children, and 3.) completely asinine and fraught with rediculous arguments (ex: “the vexor OWNS the caracal” “no way noob, my caracal will OWN your vexor” “stfu fag! my vexor will pwn the sht out your gay caracal” “lawl take the can then m8, we c who gets there ass kicked”……aaaand you can see where this goes).

But sometimes a random bit of local-stupidity jumps out as so foolish and cringe-worthy that it deserves to be slapped like a red-headed stepchild. The other day was one such occurrence.  I noticed that fellow corp-mate Boomershoot was engaged in a discussion in Dodixie local about scamming. His argument FOR scamming was that really it only takes one sucker for the scammer to make more in one hour than most mission runners make in a month (and I completely agree with him). This prompted a comment from a certain Gods Vessel that scam-money was nothing, and that he easily made 500 billion a month. Now, thems tall words for an 11-month old player, and I felt a need to call him out in local. I mildly insinuated that, short of isk-buying, there is no goddamn way that anyone short of the ceo of a gigantic null-sec moon-mining corp could make 500bil a month. Boomershoot and I and the rest of Dodi local had a nice little laugh as Gods Vessel proceed to talk all about his “main” and how e-powerful he was. I was ready to call it a day when this little doozy popped up in my evemail:

2009.10.27 20:50
shut up u dick if you dont you can explain to ur ceo why uve caused a wardec you cannot handle and you will see exactly what i mean mr ninja if you carry on talking trash to people

Please, please, “Mr. Ninja” is my father, call me Aiden. No but really…lolwut? This, ladies and gents, is what we in the biz like to refer to as a “Fail-Threat”:

“Fail-Threat – noun (fål-thrEt) def. A war-dec threat so absurd and laughable that you are actually embarrassed for the person making it.”

I had to respond:

Dear Sir,
I apologize for making you cry, and would like to offer you this recently laundered hanky as a symbol of my remorse.

With Regards,
-Aiden Mourn

I grinned to myself. Don’t threaten ninjas. You don’t scare us, and we will turn your words around and use them to verbally abuse and emasculate you. Of course, Mr. Vessel wasn’t finished:

2009.10.27 21:01
give it to Velocity Prime he is gonna need it 😛

Oh wow. He done gone and looked up our CEO’s name. That’s no easy sleuthing. Its not like its on our corp info or anything. Way to name-drop douche.

Dear Sir,
I can assure you that we at Suddenly Ninjas are at this very moment, shaking in our boots (and please note that I do mean that quite literally). I can also assure you that we take threats of war-decs VERY seriously, and as such, we are fully willing to offer you a large jar for collecting your own tears and sincerely hope that this no-strings-attached gift will settle the matter.

Cordially Yours,
-Aiden Mourn

This was really getting fun now. At this point I was just trying to egg him on and get as much blog-material out of him as I could.

2009.10.27 21:13
well only your corpse will do that and maybe us playing pod roulette with you after we nail ur nubbins candy ass…. c u real soon on my main mr aiden

Hahaha….his “main”. Sir? Mr. Gods Vessel? You weren’t satisfied making an ass of yourself simply with rediculous comments about unimaginable wealth, now you’re going to start pumping up a puff-piece about your big bad “main” character? Let me guess, he’s the founding member of Guiding Hand Social Club AND the BoB director who defected to the Goons, and I bet hes out there taking on a whole chunk of 0.0 solo. Face. Palm.

Dear Sir,
We at Suddenly Ninjas are always open and welcoming when it comes to meeting new people! We also do love us some games (although I’m really more of a blackjack man over pod roulette…lol!), so that does sound like fun! We will be in contact with you shortly to arrange a play-date (any food allergies?). In the meantime, please accept this pink Disney Princess dress as a small token of our affection. We here at SN feel that every little girl deserves a new dress once in a while 😉 .

Best Wishes,
-Aiden Mourn

After that I was blocked =(. But man, tears without even leaving station…that was an early Christmas present. And that folks, is the Fail Threat.

o7

-Aiden

~ by Aiden Mourn on October 28, 2009.