I Am A Terrible, Terrible Person (or, "Adventures In Can-Baiting" Pt.1)

Yesterday, after helping to pop a hulk earlier in the afternoon, I was feeling bloodthirsty. Hulkageddon II is upon us (or, rather, upon YOU, the miner), however my sec status, having just about reached -0.8 before the ganking, was now back at -1.5  . If I wanted to keep this party-train going for longer than a day, I’d need to hit up some more ratting. So, I warped around and nailed a few mission BS’s with my manticore. Unfortunately, ratting gets old very, very quickly. As VP so eloquently put it, “how the hell do people do this all the time, year after year?”. It was then that I thought about our new internal TEARS contest concerning Hulkageddon. You see, Cyberin, our recruiting officer and all-around awesome guy has decided to take an extended/permanent vacation from Eve, and as such, is giving all of his Eve-ly assets away to the TEARS member with the highest miner kills during Hulkageddon. Note, this is not necessarily hulks or mackinaws, but ANY ship with a mining laser on it. With this in mind, I set out with my trusty rifter “Failsauce II” to pursue the delicate art of can-baiting. But surely, I though, no one could be quite dumb enough to fall for can baiting during Hulkageddon could they? Well, apparently, they could be. Not once, not twice, but THREE F*CKING TIMES IN A ROW. Behold, my new noob friend Tarrasandir (sorry, this is a long one, but I promise it’ll make you laugh):

After an hour or two of failed can-baiting, I came across this guy mining in a Navitas. After consulting with corp chat that is was actually ok to bait noobs outside of a noob system, I struck up a conversation.

Aiden Mourn > o/
Tarrasandir > hello
Tarrasandir > who is u
Aiden Mourn > are you new to eve or just a new character?
Tarrasandir > new character
Aiden Mourn > I’m just passing by, saw a new player and though id say hi
Tarrasandir > this is my third trial account
Tarrasandir > wanna help me mine?

Whats this? Opportunity knocking!

Aiden Mourn > yeah sure, what sort of ming lasers you got on there?
Tarrasandir > a single miner 1 im waiting for skills to train so i can get a tormentor
Tarrasandir > im trying to get the thirty day pilots license
Aiden Mourn > want a better laser to help?
Tarrasandir > sure i have mining lvl 3
Aiden Mourn > hang on man, let me grab you one

I head to station and grab 2 meta 2 miners I find lying around

Tarrasandir > what kind is it
Aiden Mourn > ep-s gaussian 1
Tarrasandir > where can u buy ores in the market
Tarrasandir > what are they listed under
Aiden Mourn > you can search for them
Aiden Mourn > or they’re in manufacture and research/materials/ore&minerals
Tarrasandir > kk but i dont know the specific name of the ores
Tarrasandir > kk
Aiden Mourn > heh
Aiden Mourn > so you want a better laser?
Aiden Mourn > better yield, quicker
Tarrasandir > kk yes i do
Tarrasandir > do i need a crystal 4 it
Aiden Mourn > naw
Tarrasandir > kk thats good
Aiden Mourn > its like a miner 1, just a better varient
Tarrasandir > btw do u know where i can find arkonor outside of a wormhole
Aiden Mourn > hrmm….low sec i think
Aiden Mourn > wouldnt recomend going there though as a new character =/
Aiden Mourn > so how long have you been playing eve?
Aiden Mourn > just the three trial accounts?
Tarrasandir > bout it but i got a lot of experience in them

Get ready for some more “experience” my friend. I drop the miners in a can right next to him

Aiden Mourn > ok, theres two for ya when you get a better ship
Tarrasandir > where is that laser
Aiden Mourn > its in the can
Aiden Mourn > i just ejected it for you
Tarrasandir > oh kk i didnt know that was ur ship
Aiden Mourn > yeah thats me
Aiden Mourn > i wasnt mining just now, i was shooting belt rats
Tarrasandir > i figured

My new friend goes all nice and flashy red as he takes my present. I scram and pop him in about 2 seconds.

Tarrasandir > wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden Mourn > Welcome to Eve

(hah, I’ve always wanted to say that)

Tarrasandir > what ws that for
Aiden Mourn > I applogize, but I felt a need to introduce you to eve
Aiden Mourn > dont trust anyone
Tarrasandir > U ARE THE DEVIL
Aiden Mourn > I get that sometimes
Tarrasandir > wait so i dont get the miner?
Aiden Mourn > Um, no. You don’t.

I started to feel a little guilty here, and also a little unsure about the legality of totally abusing someones utter noobness in such an obvious way. Also, as a disclaimer, someone did the exact same thing to me my first week in eve, and then gave me 500k isk and told me to use my head. I decided to pay it forward a bit. Tarrasandir was still a little miffed however

Aiden Mourn > Look, I’ve compensated you for your loss, check your wallet
Tarrasandir > I SEE THAT BUT U STILL SUCK BALLS
Tarrasandir > THNKS ANYWAY BUT DONT DO IT AGAIN
Tarrasandir > GOODBYE
Aiden Mourn > Well, dont take peoples cans
Aiden Mourn > its usually a trap
Aiden Mourn > Look, the money is more than enough to compensate your loss
Tarrasandir > U SAID I COULD HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden Mourn > I was lying
Tarrasandir > I KNOW BUT I DONT HAVE INSURANCE THATS WHY IM YELLING
Aiden Mourn > How much was the navitas?
Tarrasandir > I AM AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden Mourn > 10k isk?
Tarrasandir > IDK
Aiden Mourn > theres one for sale next door in dodixie for 20k
Aiden Mourn > i just gave you 500k
Tarrasandir > I WAS GONNA GET A NEW SHIP ANYWAY…
Aiden Mourn > Please fly a little safer
Aiden Mourn > and stop yelling
Tarrasandir > I WAS JUST DOING THIS TO PASS THE TIME WHILE MY SKIILS TRAIN
Tarrasandir > oh sry
Aiden Mourn > Listen, try not to be so trusting
Aiden Mourn > there are way bigger assholes in this game than me
Tarrasandir > could u at least haul my stuff back to station sense i dont have a ship
Aiden Mourn > you can grab one
Aiden Mourn > you’re 500k richer now!
Tarrasandir > u are the DEVIL
Aiden Mourn > You’re repeating yourself now
Tarrasandir > i know
Aiden Mourn > if i was the devil, i wouldn’t have payed you and i’d be podding you right now
Tarrasandir > …
Tarrasandir > what happens if i get killed in my pod
Aiden Mourn > You die
Aiden Mourn > nothing really
Aiden Mourn > unless youve got implants
Aiden Mourn > or a clone that hasnt been updated
Aiden Mourn > then you lose skillpoints

At this point I manage to quell my rising sympathy for this poor schmuck. An idea pops into my head…

Aiden Mourn > go get a ship, ill sit here and guard your ore
Tarrasandir > kk

. He heads off to buy another ship and I move all the ore from his can and wreck into mine.

Aiden Mourn > still grabbing that ship?
Tarrasandir > i bought one but i cant use it im buying one that i can use now
Aiden Mourn > ok
Aiden Mourn > theres been some traffic in this belt, so i was wondering
Aiden Mourn > what are you buying?
Tarrasandir > i got a tormentor and a navitas
Aiden Mourn > ok
Aiden Mourn > You going to be much longer? I gotta take off here, and there are some miners around who keep coming close to this can

(empty belt  )

Tarrasandir > im coming i just made it active im going to buy some miners now
Aiden Mourn > those ep-s ones really are better
Tarrasandir > kk hwere are they listed under i forgot
Aiden Mourn > just search for ep-s
Aiden Mourn > they’ll pop up
Tarrasandir > ep 5 or ep s
Aiden Mourn > “S”
Aiden Mourn > as in sneaky
Tarrasandir > see it
Tarrasandir > i get it i bought two
Aiden Mourn > alright, comin back?
Tarrasandir > just a sec
Tarrasandir > coming
Aiden Mourn > ok cool
Aiden Mourn > astroid belt 7 in vylade
Aiden Mourn > heh, in case you forgot
Tarrasandir > im en route to vylade
Tarrasandir > wat?
Aiden Mourn > your ore that im guarding
Aiden Mourn > is in belt 7
Tarrasandir > what bout it?
Aiden Mourn > im sitting next to your ore right now
Tarrasandir > oh i knew that i always mine there
Tarrasandir > best place to find azure plag

Greeaaat……

Aiden Mourn > yeah?
Tarrasandir > yeah u should try
Aiden Mourn > yeah I should
Tarrasandir > btw do u know where to find ark
Tarrasandir > outside of low sec and wormholes?
Aiden Mourn > nope

He appears on grid and starts puttering towards me and the can.

Tarrasandir > wheres my cargo can
Aiden Mourn > its the yellow one over there
Aiden Mourn > it changed colors
Aiden Mourn > you left it too long
Tarrasandir > oh its urs now
Aiden Mourn > ??
Aiden Mourn > how?

(  )

Tarrasandir > the only can i see is a yellow one
Aiden Mourn > i didnt touch it i was just sitting next to it
Aiden Mourn > bugged maybe?
Tarrasandir > is it ok if i take it
Aiden Mourn > sure
Tarrasandir > DONT SHOOT ME
Aiden Mourn > =)
Aiden Mourn > it was just a lesson
Tarrasandir > kk good

*POP!* and my foolish friend is sitting next ANOTHER navitas wreck 

Aiden Mourn >That was also a lesson
Tarrasandir > WTF?!??
Tarrasandir > I HATE U I AM LEAVIN THIS CARGO ITS URS
Aiden Mourn > You sure?
Aiden Mourn > Grab another ship
Aiden Mourn > I wont this time
Tarrasandir > IT WILL GET DESTROYED
Aiden Mourn > No it wont
Aiden Mourn > i promise
Tarrasandir > btw are those defenses automated
Aiden Mourn > my guns?
Aiden Mourn > yeah
Aiden Mourn > sorry about that
Tarrasandir > U SUCK
Aiden Mourn > they were on automatic and you took rom the can
Tarrasandir > please please PLEASE dont shoot me this time that ship wasnt free

Wait wait wait…what? Is this guy for real? Theres some interest in the fleet I’ve been in and out of all day and Oliver Neski warps to me in a hauler. I get him to wait outside the belt in a pew ship as not to spook our friend, and and be ready to warp. Tarrasandir, incredulously, warps off to buy another ship. Any sense of sympathy I have for this unfortunate person goes out the window at this point. Noob or not, this guy is just plain stupid.

Aiden Mourn > that really is my fault
Tarrasandir > well then un-automate them
Aiden Mourn > done
Aiden Mourn > appologies man
Tarrasandir > kk ODNT SHOOT
Tarrasandir > Ah! I dot have enough money for another ship
Tarrasandir > you suck
Aiden Mourn > heres another 20k for a ship
Tarrasandir > kk thnks
Tarrasandir > i gtg to dodixie 4 a ship
Aiden Mourn > alright
Aiden Mourn > ill watch the ore, theres some more shups in here
Aiden Mourn > *ships
Tarrasandir > will the station let me back in if i am flagged as in combat when i leave
Aiden Mourn > yeah
Aiden Mourn > yikes, lot of ships here now, are you buying one yet?

I’m trying to hurry this along, and again, I’m the only guy in this belt…

Tarrasandir > almost there
Tarrasandir > are they trying to steal it
Aiden Mourn > one got close
Aiden Mourn > i targeted him with my guns off though
Aiden Mourn > he backed away a little
Tarrasandir > kk good
Tarrasandir > are u wanted 4 piracy
Aiden Mourn > no
Tarrasandir > im surprised
Aiden Mourn > ive got a lower sec status then 0.0 so im technically “Wanted”
Aiden Mourn > but im only at -1.2 or something
Aiden Mourn > there are guys with -10
Aiden Mourn > heh
Aiden Mourn > THOSE are pirates
Tarrasandir > i know those are the guys in the bounty office
Aiden Mourn > yar
Aiden Mourn > back in vylade yet?
Tarrasandir > almost
Aiden Mourn > ok
Aiden Mourn > might want to hurry dude, theres a guy with a hauler here
Aiden Mourn > he could scoop it and get out quick
Tarrasandir > coming
Tarrasandir > kk im warping to the vylade stargate
Aiden Mourn > ok
Tarrasandir > jumping
Tarrasandir > once i get my better ship wanna go to low sec together with a friend or two of mine to find some ark
Aiden Mourn > yeah thatd be good money
Tarrasandir > i know just the people and they both have retrievers but one is in a wormhole mining ark
Aiden Mourn > cool

I make a note to find these silly friends of his… He appears in belt again.

Aiden Mourn > alright, again i appologize
Aiden Mourn > guns are off
Aiden Mourn > promise
Tarrasandir > u sure ?
Aiden Mourn > yep
Tarrasandir > swear to god?
Aiden Mourn > just dbl checked
Aiden Mourn > I’m not really religious, but I swear
Tarrasandir > kk im trusting u
Aiden Mourn > i know
Tarrasandir > thnks

Again with the flashy red! This time I scram him only and give the call for oliver to warp in.

Tarrasandir > oh shit
Aiden Mourn > don’t worry, its not a gun
Tarrasandir > hey im alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden Mourn > its like a friendly gun

And then Oliver warps in, starts shooting, and I join in to finish him off.

Tarrasandir > whats tht ?!?
Aiden Mourn > oh shit a pirate!!
Tarrasandir > he was from ur corp smart ass
Aiden Mourn > AHh man you’re right
Aiden Mourn > what a dick
Aiden Mourn > Dude
Aiden Mourn > what did i say about trusting people
Tarrasandir > why dont u just bring it in and give me the money so i wont get shot anymore
Aiden Mourn > youve got to get this through your head
Aiden Mourn > ive killed you 3 times now man
Aiden Mourn > DONT TRUST PEOPLE
Tarrasandir > THAT WAS U?!?!
Tarrasandir > keep it
Aiden Mourn > That was my corp mate
Aiden Mourn > heh, and then i helped =)
Tarrasandir > KEEP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden Mourn > Please, dont yell
Aiden Mourn > and please take this lesson to heart this time ok?
Aiden Mourn > See where trusting people got you?
Tarrasandir > the only way i will let u keep it is if u come with me and my friend to low sec to mine ark and we split the pay
Aiden Mourn > Tempting offer
Aiden Mourn > I’ll let you know
Aiden Mourn > For now, ive got to run
Tarrasandir > to where?
Tarrasandir > some other belt?
Aiden Mourn > No im logging from the game for now
Tarrasandir > thats wat i thought
Aiden Mourn > welcome to eve ok?
Aiden Mourn > Fly safer
Tarrasandir > bye

tl;dr: Silly noob stupidly takes from my can 3 times in a row and dies. A lot. Horribly.

So from any rational moral perspective, what I just did there was wrong. But the way I look at it is, if I hadn’t taught him this valuable lesson in trust now (which embarrassingly took three tries to make stick…), someone else sure would have later, and possibly while he was flying a much more expensive ship. Anyways, it may be the I’m going to hell in a hand-basket, but that was just plain fun.

o7,
-Aiden

~ by Aiden Mourn on January 8, 2010.