How To Lose An Orca In One Easy Step

Every now and then, I actually start to feel a twinge that perhaps the Eve player-base at large is actually becoming smarter. Well, make that “less dumb”, but either way, it stings. Luckily enough, I’m usually immediately put back at ease by some absurdly brainless action I witness or hear about in Eve and all is right with the world again. Deadspace-fitted t1 tackle-dessies, someone buying a “Navy” Dominix via station trade (honestly?), a Rorqual getting a beatdown by pirates after attempting to jump via a gate; these are all heart-warming reminders to me that common sense is typically left at the door in Eve.

I was just getting read to log last night when I saw something in corp chat that makes every ninja’s heart a-flutter.

Set Shwayo > need orca pilot in mirliene for theft

Apparently, Set and new recruit Kyle Shephard had discovered a flaming beacon of naivete; someone using their UNPILOTED Orca as a jetcan while they mined in a hulk (remember what I was saying about leaving common sense at the door). It appears that despite countless C&P posts, blogs, and youtube videos canvasing the subject, a certain Ezekiel Oto had somehow missed the memo that an unpiloted ship sitting in space is a ship you are going to lose.

Kyle Shephard > srsly
Set Shwayo > got an unmanned one
Kyle Shephard > I just found him in a belt
Set Shwayo > need a pilot 🙂
Aiden Mourn > wtf
Aiden Mourn > hang on
Aiden Mourn > i know someone
Set Shwayo > ‘i know a guy’ is how all great capers are SUPPOSED to start 🙂

All too true Set, and as luck would have it, I really did know someone who I’d just seen in passing in Emol. As I’ve said before, it pays to have secretly pro-ninja carebear friends, as in this case I’d already logged my alt off due to a combination of hot weather, a crappy AC, and an overheating computer that was struggling to dual-client. I dropped my acquaintance a convo, explained the situation, and grinned at the response: we had our pilot. At the request of said carebear-friend, for the purposes of their own security, Set, Kyle, and I agreed to a certain amount of discretion involving our Ringer’s name appearing on blog posts, so from here on out they will be lovingly referred to as “SecretBear”.

As SecretBear made the 20-odd jumps to Mirilene, we assessed the situation. Kyle was dscaning the belt from a nearby planet and reported that our friend seemed to be switching between the Hulk and the Orca. They’d both appear on scan, and then just the Orca for a few minutes, and then both would magically reappear on dscan. Not wanting to spook our mark, we waited until SecretBear could get into system and into a cloaky covops to jump into the belt and give eyes on the situation.

Apparently, Ezekiel was mining into his Orca, then switching to it, scooping the hulk, and moving to new roids in the belt to repeat the process. Now normally in a situation as ridiculous as this, one needs to bump the Hulk pilot away from the Orca in order to board it. The reasoning behind this is that a ship, even an unpiloted one, is un-boardable while it is being targeted (by anyone, not just the owner/friendly). We scrambled to come up with a way to bump the hulk without spooking him the second we land on belt. The problem was, he was sitting right next to the Orca, so the fear was he would simply insta switch the second we started bumping. SecretBear could fly both ships however, so we figured on getting at least a Hulk out of the deal.

After a dicey moment when the mark warped out, we realized he was simply moving to the next belt, and SB followed to wait. The minutes dragged by while we waited for intel. Finally:

SecretBear > he’s in the orca still
SecretBear > Hulk poped out!
Kyle Shephard > YESYESYES

SB got into position to have an unblocked shot at the Orca and began a slow, cloaked approach. Still pondering the bumping dilemma, we realized that a) the boarding range for a ship is 6500 m, while b) the decloaking range is only 2500 m. We couldn’t wait any more, and gave SB the go-ahead and collectively held our breaths.

SecretBear > ok
SecretBear > creeeping up!
SecretBear > I can’t while cloaked
SecretBear > this will be touch and go
Kyle Shephard > cant board?
SecretBear > While cloaked
SecretBear > i think hes afk guys
Kyle Shephard > omg
Aiden Mourn > do it!!
Set Shwayo > roll them dice

We waited…until:

SecretBear > NEW ORCA
Kyle Shephard > OMFG
Set Shwayo > WIN
SecretBear > LOL
Aiden Mourn > WIIIIIIINNNN
SecretBear > lol, that is maybe the most fun I’ve ever had in eve
Kyle Shephard > HAHAHAHA

Astoundingly, the Hulk hadn’t been targeted the Orca at all and SecretBear was able to jump right in. SB scooped the exited covops and scooted off to station while we all did a jig. Sadly, the Orca was completely empty save for a handful of salvage and some t1 cargo rigs

SecretBear > this is one ghetto orca

As I tried unsuccessfully for probably the 4th time to recruit SecretBear into SN, Set sent our newly Orca-less friend Ezekiel a summons for collection of dues due to improper Orca parking and related towing fees and charges 😛 .

Of course, we all had visions of faction modules and t3 ships packed into the Orca, but I think lifting Ezekiel’s giant thieve-able jet can right in front of him is payment enough to make up for that shortcoming. Seeing as I was really only along for the commentary, I told Kyle, Set, and SecretBear to split the loot and logged for some much needed sleep. Again, a huge thanks to Set and Kyle (not a bad 1st day in corp sir 😉 ), and of course to SecretBear for the amazing work.

o7,

-Aiden

~ by Aiden Mourn on July 27, 2010.