Wolf In the Flock: Day 1

I’m not a bad person, I just play one in internet spaceships. Murder, theft, betrayal, wearing white after Labor Day; the litany of my crimes against the populace of New Eden (and fashion) is both lengthy and, for both of our enjoyments, usually well documented on this blog. Though I’ve written about betrayal and theft before, I wanted to try a different approach to it.

The Plan:

Using a blank alt of mine who’s a few months old yet with no skillpoints, I’m going to attempt to go on an AWOXing/Sarfari spree, and document it “captains log” style here. The goal? Hilarity, profit, sowing general deception and mistrust around New Eden, and a great story.

Day 1: 319,277 skillpoints

The hunt is on. Have commenced with spamming recruitment channel and local with pleas of “noob looking for mining/pve corp”. In 11 minutes, I have learned three very important things: 1.) this deters anyone with half a brain from even thinking about talking to me 2.) this attracts some of the most unintelligent and frighteningly naive recruiters Eve has ever seen 3.) this is working out perfectly.

While I stare dead-eyed at the horrible internet-culture-microcosm that is the recruitment channel, I begin adding on to my skillplan, training skills in less that 12 minutes because being a noob is awesome like that. I decide to undock out of boredom and try warping around, only to cap out halfway to the next gate; its hard out here for a noob. Three pilots with at least 2 years experience on my character offer to duel me outside the Amarr VIII station; pr0 pee-vee-pee at its finest. Aura pipes up and tries to swindle me into buying insurance, but I’m not falling for it.

Milestone reached! I can now fly a Thorax…with all of 3 drones, and a menacing 198dps. Fist-pumping my own success, I go back to listening to the CEO of a 5 man corp that does “you know bro, whatever you want, no rules” try to tell me that his group has serious objectives and goals for its immediate future. Pass.

10 similar or worse conversations later, things get a bit more interesting: “new-player friendly”, “help getting on your feet”, “group L4 missions”, “Orca supported mining ops”. Their advertisement has lots of exclamation points, and more emoticons than is reasonably appropriate outside a 7th grader’s text-message history; all I see is “please come kill us!!” written cheerfully around a giant red and white target. I put on my best noob-face, ask lots of absurd questions, and 5 minutes later am asked only half-jokingly why I haven’t hit “apply to corp” yet; grinning wickedly, I’m in.

I am immediately showered with gifts, advice, and meager amounts of isk; bears do love to coddle their young. Within minutes, I realize my biggest problem is going to be picking how best to strike, as I’ve already been invited to tag along as salvager on level 4 missions with a senior member, take part in an Orca-supported mining op, and help run “interference” (?) on an upcoming “hauling op”. I allow myself to be surrounded by the doughy smiling faces and bovine eyes, enjoying the hearty claps on the back and jovial handshakes, grinning serenely and cracking jokes as I finger the knife in my pocket…


~ by Aiden Mourn on March 8, 2013.

3 Responses to “Wolf In the Flock: Day 1”

  1. You are a very bad man. Please don’t stop.

  2. You’re evil. I can hardly watch for the next instalment.

  3. Man, I need to get my PC sorted out so I can play again.

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