Wrath of The Box-Cutter Hero

I’ve been having a lot of fun recently with what I’ve been referring to as a “Box-Cutter Hero”, which is to say, a minimally skilled throwaway alt trained for the sole purpose of causing as much destruction and anarchy as possible in the shortest amount of training. The skillplan is effectively the same as the old Goonswarm “10-hour hero” suicide Catalyst training plan, which nets you a 200-ish DPS Catalyst pilot in under 12 hours of training, and the name stuck after reading Psychotic Monk refer to this type of Catalyst as just that:

As a highsec criminal, think of these destroyers as your box cutters. While they may not be appropriate for much more serious business endeavors, they can certainly kill the fuck out of basically everything.

 

And indeed, with around 12 hours of training, and some pretty simple t1 logi support, you can murder the shit out of whole lot of stuff. Plus, nothing say disgrace like getting your Tengu, Orca, Mackinaw, or Freighter ganked by 316k skillpoints in t1 Destroyer.

With these little box cutters, I’ve been trying for main goals: killing the most expensive things I can get my hands on, and killing them as quickly as possible.

The first one I use as a basis for which corps I join. Rather than simply joining anyone and seeing what I get out of the grab-bag (which nevertheless is always pretty amusing), I tend to seek out and go after targets specifically because of what I’ve seen them flying: Freighters, Orcas, pimped-out mission ships etc. A nice payout or drop is always a good thing, but I also do this almost in the same way big-game hunters go after what they hunt; the trophy KM and bragging rights.

I also like to see how fast I can nab targets after joining, and most of that bit has to do with notoriety. Even with a throwaway shooter, after a few jobs, your former CEO’s seem to start going out of their way to find out where you are and warn your new corpmates. More than a day with that kind of heat and baggage attached to your toon is a sure-fire way to get kicked with no warning after an uppity and butthurt ex-CEO sees you’ve found new employment, but I’ve also been booted in less than 20 minutes from a corp before I even got the chance to go after anything.

But besides dodging the heat, I also go for speed for the same reasons I go after higher-value targets; the thrill of the hunt and trying to one-up myself.

And so, I had stalked out Winfield Star-Tech for about two weeks after seeing them ice mining with an Orca, but since then, a busy reverse-safari schedule on another character of mine, and a wardec on Winfield Star-Tech’s side of things prevented me from getting any further. Finally though, after spying them out on a massive ice-mining op complete with Orca, I was able to get in some slick words, some bashful noobish eye-batting, and some calculated flattery, and got that magic “welcome to corp” mail.

Cole Winfield > *** ***** welcome to the corp mate
*** ***** > \o/
Hermon Hammerer > \☺

My remote reps were in place, my targets (Orca, at least one Mackinaw) were selected, and I prepared to undock and warp to the gate leading to the ice mining op in the adjacent system, when this absolute gem popped up in corp chat:

Gormless Twatt > second orca here folks. help yourself to storing

I will help myself, thanks! I Jumped the gate, warped to my optimally-positioned logi, and immediately locked up both Orcas.

*** ***** > hey guys
*** ***** > thanks
Squid Snot > why are you warp scramming me?
Gormless Twatt > i am being scrambled
*** ***** > its like a hug!
Squid Snot > stop or i will blow you up
*** ***** > who doesnt like hugs?
Cole Winfield > depends what the hug leads onto 🙂
*** ***** > surprise! hugs, best hugs
Gormless Twatt > *** *****
*** ***** > ya
Gormless Twatt > ur shooting me
*** ***** > i am?
*** ***** > hugs!
*** ***** > oh, and also 500mil to save the orca
*** ***** > womp womp
Gormless Twatt > what?
Gormless Twatt > ffs
*** ***** > a paltry amount
*** ***** > but seriously
*** ***** > 500mil
*** ***** > per orca guys

It seems every time I hear about hear or read about someone else pulling these types of shenanigans, they manage to walk away with big sacks full of ransom iskies. I, however, seem to have a knack for finding the cheapest, poorest, and worst negotiators in all of New Eden to try and ransom. Try as I might, I couldn’t get anyone to even start negotiating, so I made the call and popped both as quickly as possible.


^^Now with bonus Mackinaw!
 

Fortunately, this turned out to be a suave move, because not 30 seconds after the 2nd Orca went down, a corp Scimitar popped on grid and started saving Mackinaws. Bizarrely, even before the logi showed up, the ENTIRE mining op stayed completely still and kept on mining while I exploded 2 Orcas and scrammed 2 Mackinaws around them. Some people…

With only 250-ish DPS coming out of my Catalyst, the Scimitar turned out to be the hero of the day, but with some fast target switching, I was able to nab a Thrasher and a Retriever before reps could land, as well as a 2nd Thrasher and his pod when he went GCC on one of my logis (improvised kill-report: http://imgur.com/a/3Eesl ).

Slowly but surely though, DPS on grid started to get higher and higher, and in a 2-point Catalyst with no prop-mod, I wasn’t going to catch anything. A Tengu at range was soon joined by a Merlin, Rupture, Vagabond, Corax, 2 Thrashers, and a Caracal, all backed by the Scimitar, and the pew-pew started to get the better of my 2 Augoror logi-buddies. Finally, in a blaze of righteous glory, my little 10-hour box-cutter hero went down in flames as I victoriously warped my pod away.

At this point, I was late for a business thing and had to run, but I came back later to more awesome:

Hana Metesuree > OMG KILL HIM!
Jorge Ostus > wdid you do gorm???
Gormless Twatt > lost orca
Hana Metesuree > how??
Jorge Ostus > Whats happening over there?!?1
Gormless Twatt > *** *****
Hana Metesuree > Orca go pop?
Gormless Twatt > 2
Hana Metesuree > o.o
Hana Metesuree > Any reason?
Gormless Twatt > no more chat till ceo instructs to
Dragnkat > and i’m back, we still cracking rocks?
Cole Winfield > stay docked
Cole Winfield > no chat in here until told otherwise
Admiral Booty Call > HEY GUYS!
Admiral Booty Call > how we doin’?
Anima Galvan > [19:44:28] Cole Winfield > no chat in here until told otherwise

[ 2013.05.31 20:00:58 ] EVE System > Channel MOTD changed to: “DO NOT SPEAK IN CORP CHAT UNTIL TOLD OTHERWISE” by Cole Winfield.

Then, a few hours after I’d gone AFK, apparently someone in corp realized they had some half-way decent pod-scanning skills and put to use:
[ 2013.05.31 21:34:55 ] EVE System > Channel changed to Corp : Garoun Investment Bank

Still, a t1 Catalyst and an empty clone for over 1.7 bil in damages is a pretty decent trade in my book. Plus the best part about getting killed by those you ganked is that it can actually help you get into a new corp! Just link your killmail (or better, your pod killmail to not give away that you were clearly flying a murder Catalyst), slip in a sob story about how that mean greifer corp invited you in just to pod you, and watch in amazement at how quickly sympathy opens up recruiting doors.

Stay tuned, because the Box Cutter Hero already has 3 invites to new corps, and hilarity is sure to follow (if we could ever get those servers back up…).

 

-Aiden

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~ by Aiden Mourn on June 2, 2013.

7 Responses to “Wrath of The Box-Cutter Hero”

  1. Aiden, you are a despicable Eve player and CCP should ban you from the game for life. You leave those poor ice miners alone! I know the only reason you go after them is because you can’t hack it in null.

  2. His name is actually Gormless Twatt. His being AWOXed was inevitable.

  3. So…I started up my new eve account yesterday…and was planning on playing nice and just doing pve or pirating or some crap…

    then I started reading blogs….and the thrill of the jerk has found itself unleashed…

    It’s go time…thanks for the push Aiden 🙂

    -Cyberin

  4. Missin you and the old ninja hijinks!

  5. Really enjoy your tales. Since Paul stopped, quality misery generation has been in short supply.

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